Come one, come all! Hereby everyone who is currently reading these words is invited to my Corona Thanksgiving celebration, or as I call it: Thanks-Corona-for-ruining-my-life. Please save the applause until the end, I know I’m absolutely hilarious (If any SNL intern is reading this please just hire me already, I know you want to, I have lots of funny jokes like these I swear. I also take tips, provided in cash or Starbucks Gift Cards).

At the local elementary school, the Ultimate School of Alexandria (USA), the recent student government election has been full of drama and excitement. The student body president election between fourth-grader Jolene Bryden and fifth-grader Donelda Turnip heated up as the two competed ruthlessly for the spot.

Last week Theogony caught up with former ACPS superintendent Thomas Chambliss Williams, the namesake of T.C. Williams High School, who has been working around the clock to convince the ACPS School Board to remove his name from Alexandria’s only high school.