• The Beet

    A Witness Tree Carol

    The T.C. Williams Witness Tree was dead: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. It had lived for more than 100 years, but now it was as dead as a dead daffodil. The Mayor of Alexandria knew it was dead? Of course, he did. How could it be otherwise? He and the City Council had been working for years to eliminate that tree. Despite months of pleading and petitioning by Alexandria citizens to save the tree, all Mayor Justinezer Schmooze had to say was, “Bah Humbug!” After all, trees make paper, and paper makes money, and there was nothing in the world Schmooze loved more than money.

  • The Beet

    You Are Cordially Invited to Corona Thanksgiving!

    Come one, come all! Hereby everyone who is currently reading these words is invited to my Corona Thanksgiving celebration, or as I call it: Thanks-Corona-for-ruining-my-life. Please save the applause until the end, I know I’m absolutely hilarious (If any SNL intern is reading this please just hire me already, I know you want to, I have lots of funny jokes like these I swear. I also take tips, provided in cash or Starbucks Gift Cards).

  • The Beet

    Local Student Government Election Gets Dramatic

    At the local elementary school, the Ultimate School of Alexandria (USA), the recent student government election has been full of drama and excitement. The student body president election between fourth-grader Jolene Bryden and fifth-grader Donelda Turnip heated up as the two competed ruthlessly for the spot.