Quarantine has taken things from every one of us. Family, friends, the simple joys we used to experience, like drinking coffee in a coffee shop and not having personal space in a grocery store. But the worst thing people have lost, the most horrible, gut wrenching, pain inducing, thing: backpack-carrying muscles.

The T.C. Williams Witness Tree was dead: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. It had lived for more than 100 years, but now it was as dead as a dead daffodil. The Mayor of Alexandria knew it was dead? Of course, he did. How could it be otherwise? He and the City Council had been working for years to eliminate that tree. Despite months of pleading and petitioning by Alexandria citizens to save the tree, all Mayor Justinezer Schmooze had to say was, “Bah Humbug!” After all, trees make paper, and paper makes money, and there was nothing in the world Schmooze loved more than money.

Come one, come all! Hereby everyone who is currently reading these words is invited to my Corona Thanksgiving celebration, or as I call it: Thanks-Corona-for-ruining-my-life. Please save the applause until the end, I know I’m absolutely hilarious (If any SNL intern is reading this please just hire me already, I know you want to, I have lots of funny jokes like these I swear. I also take tips, provided in cash or Starbucks Gift Cards).

At the local elementary school, the Ultimate School of Alexandria (USA), the recent student government election has been full of drama and excitement. The student body president election between fourth-grader Jolene Bryden and fifth-grader Donelda Turnip heated up as the two competed ruthlessly for the spot.

Last week Theogony caught up with former ACPS superintendent Thomas Chambliss Williams, the namesake of T.C. Williams High School, who has been working around the clock to convince the ACPS School Board to remove his name from Alexandria’s only high school.