The Beet

You Are Cordially Invited to Corona Thanksgiving!

Kiran Pippin-Mathur

Come one, come all! Hereby everyone who is currently reading these words is invited to my Corona Thanksgiving celebration, or as I call it: Thanks-Corona-for-ruining-my-life. Please save the applause until the end, I know I’m absolutely hilarious (If any SNL intern is reading this please just hire me already, I know you want to, I have lots of funny jokes like these I swear. I also take tips, provided in cash or Starbucks Gift Cards).

Now for this celebration, I will be expecting RSVPs to be emailed to me at this address: However, we have limited space in the Zoom call, so it’s a-first-come first-serve basis. I just think RSVPs are fancy. Once in the Zoom call, there is a dress code of black tie attire (detailed below) and I will use my omnipotent powers as Zoom host to mute you if you show up, god forbid, without a mask. We’re in a pandemic after all people, jeez be considerate. You should be ashamed of yourself. 

Black Tie Attire for Men and Women: 

-Blowup turkey costume sized at around six feet (included with a premium built-in fan, turkey feet sold separately) prized at exactly $159

-Black tie

*If you show up in a Pilgrim’s hat and the funny little shoes I will give you my hand in marriage as co-host and we can rule the Zoom together*

Once everyone has arrived, we will move onto the actual feast. First, we go around the Zoom and say what we hate about this year as makeshift therapy because none of us have actually had the proper help we need in at least five years. I’ll go first as an example! I hate how Supernatural is still running, like let a shot turkey rest already or whatever that saying is. Once we spiritually connect with one another, we can dig in.

On the menu we have: a plastic turkey wing from a kids kitchen set that I stole from my five-year-old cousin, a glass of milk, paper plates you can fold into an origami sculpture (wow very crafty!), a turkey I ordered from Amazon two months ago that finally arrived in the form of sliced baloney (damn you capitalism), and some un-baked Kraft mac and cheese. 

This event will last precisely 20 hours and 31 minutes on 12:00 am November 26th. I’ll be awaiting the flood of emails. See you there 😉