Gates, Buffet to Buy United States by Bryson Lockett

A possible deal may be in the works to sell the United States to investors, chief White House correspondent Greg Chaff reports.

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Warren Buffet, Chairman and elected negotiator for the UCB, meets with President Obama to discuss the specifics of a contract to sell the nation. (image source: huffingtonpost.com)

The President met Tuesday with members of the United Coalition of Businesses (UCB) to discuss a deal that would privatize the country, sources say. After $4 trillion of new debt was approved on New Year’s Day, Congressional leaders began to reach out to the private sector to seek relief for recent monetary shortcomings. In response, four Fortune 500 companies, Bane Capital, Chevron, J.P. Morgan Chase and Co., and Boeing, and several leading businessmen, including Bill Gates and Warren Buffet, covertly formed the UCB on January 12.

With the national debt estimated to reach a staggering $20 trillion by 2016 members of the UCB believe that the current system of revenue and spending is unfit to manage such large amounts of money. Proponents of the deal cite the past successes of major businessmen in overcoming odds and managing to turn a profit. Capitalism, some political analysts say, has been the basis for the nation’s economy since its roots as a British colony and they think it is time a similar system was adapted for use on the governmental level. Economic experts believe that if a deal is made, the UCB could manage to cut federal spending in half by eliminating unnecessary jobs and accepting bids rather than immediate contracts for more national purchases. When asked how the debt problem would be solved, CFO Mitt Romney (former CEO of Bane Capital) was vague, suggesting “closing loopholes” in tax returns and cutting funding for public programming such as PBS.

Opponents of the bargain, however, have equally strong arguments against the privatization of the Union. Leading historians cite the failures of past aristocracies, as they claim the UCB would implement on a national scale, such as Greece and Rome, to discourage the monopolizing of power in the hands of the 1%. Social activists and union leaders in major cities have voiced their disdain for this deal, stating that the past century of class struggle would all be for naught if upper-class America won this “ultimate victory”. Skeptics also claim that the UCB would be unable to streamline the economics of a country the way they believe they could. “This nation is not a business and can’t be treated like one,” said Jim Hendricks, a leading anti-monopolist in Chicago.

Contacts inside the White House say if any compromise is reached it won’t be in the near future. “Both sides are far from reaching a deal on the specifics,” Gregg Chaff reports. Currently the UBC is asking for full and permanent control of the legislative and judicial branches in exchange for full consolidation of debt and a mere $50 billion in reimbursements for politicians who will be out of a job if the deal goes through. The President and Congress are refusing to abdicate their political positions but propose a bargain where the UCB gains full control of US spending and taxation for four years in exchange for a $3 trillion payment on the current debt.

Please note: The accounts and persons depicted in this literary work are of pure fiction. Any semblances to actual persons or events are completely coincidental and should be treated as such.