April Fools

New T.C. Renovations for Overcrowding

Kiran Pippin-Mathur

Overcrowding has always been a big issue in T.C. Williams, but most of us have actually gotten used to it. We have all experienced problems with it, such as: slowly trudging down one stairwell during the fire drills, accidentally body-slamming someone in the hall or awkwardly stepping on the back of people’s shoes.

Talks about a new campus or extending T.C. have been circulating around for a long time, but, worry no more! Theogony has gotten an anonymous tip that the school board has decided on a solution that doesn’t include any complications with building in non-existent space by Minnie Howard. Introducing, T.C. Tunnels (T.T. for short). Students will be able to get from location to location by running through tunnels constructed set up in a complicated labyrinth under the campus, which reduces time and allow the halls to clear up because, after all, we only have five minutes to change classes. There will be prizes for the fastest runner, which is a free parking pass for only the extra payment of $5.99 a minute.

In order to complete this project, the school board has hired a renowned architect, Vitomir Meine. Meine has completed other previous famous projects, such as constructing the slides that run through Bishop Ireton and the staircases for Hogwarts International Academy.

This may sound like a big project but will be completed in fast time, “this may be one of our most influential projects to date, however, we have not discussed prices yet,” Meine said before getting cut off by the school board security. The T.T. will function as soon as April 15th, 2029 or December 23rd, 2056…..hopefully.

Not only are the tunnels being constructed, as a further step, a petition is going out to change the name of T.C. Williams to National Mole Academy for High School Students. This petition was created by the school board member of 50 years, Celine Zaccai. “By adding the tunnels, we are slowly becoming closer to the dominant species, the mole. My point is that we just change the whole thing at once to fully right the wrongs that we have started” Zaccai said, looking around nervously as her eyes dart to the dark corners of the room. The petition already has 25 signatures and needs a million to pass.*

However, not everyone agrees with the T.T. solution. Rallies have taken place in the auditorium when the construction was announced. These protestors carry signs with slogans such as, “We are humans, not moles!”, “resist against the schoolboard’s stupid ideas”, and “are there seriously slides in Bishop Ireton?” Francesca Esin, a junior in T.C. Williams held up a sign proclaiming: “Free us from the mole’s control.” We tried to get an interview, but the protestors were soon dragged away by the security officers, which we also tried to interview. “Get that damn microphone out of my face,” said one of the security officers.

A meeting to disclose this information to the public will take place next week, at 2:00 am at the Braddock Metro Center, held by Celine Zaccai.

*To vote on this petition, please access https://forms.gle/4JnngNHc1g1MXs4d8 on a Chromebook or other electronic device