April Fools

A Declaration of Independence from the College Board

We, Students, Need to Rise Up

Bridgette Adu-Wadier and Maddie Kysilko

When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for a student body to dissolve the academic bands which have connected them with the College Board and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Education entitle them, a decent respect to the stress levels of students requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all students are created equal, that they are endowed with certain unalienable Rights, among these are a normal sleep schedule, one test not deciding their entire educational future, and the peace of mind that their education organization is a nonprofit. Whenever any form of educational organization becomes destructive in these ends, it is the Right of the Students to alter or to abolish it. The patience and pain suffered by Students is great; it is now the necessity of the situation which constrains them to alter their former Education System. The history of the present CEO of the College Board is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having the effect of the establishment of an absolute Monarchy over these Students. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

  • They have claimed that they are a non-profit while collecting $1.07 billion in revenue.
  • They have pushed students to take the SAT, which not only requires generous financial contributions, but also copious amounts of endless studying.
  • They have sold student data to colleges and universities using Student Search Service, using PSAT/SAT scores and personal information without students’ sufficient awareness. They have sold this data for $0.47, turning students into nothing but a number.
  • They have created SAT II Subject Tests, pressuring students to take these tests that are nearly identical to AP Exams at the benefit of their own wallet.
  • They have made the tests listed above required for entrance to most colleges and universities.
  • They have created a system where such tests no longer evaluate a student’s academic capability, but rather their ability to test-take.
  • They have pitted students against each other in a brutal competition for the highest GPA and test scores.
  • They have marketed AP classes with college credits, when in reality, schools only accept AP scores that are three and above, and some top schools are beginning to rarely offer credit, regardless of score.
  • They have placed immense pressure on students to do well in classes and on tests.
  • They have made almost all study materials, tutoring sessions, and SAT boot camps purchasable, limiting the ability of low-income students to succeed on tests.

We have petitioned for redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. We have warned them of attempts by their Board of Trustees to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. They have been deaf to our concerns and have continued to rule with tyrannical power. Consequently, we must denounce the College Board and declare our separation from it.

We, therefore, the Students of the United States of America, solemnly publish and declare that our Schools are, and ought to be, Free and Independent Schools without influence of the College Board; that students are absolved from allegiance to David Coleman, CEO of the College Board; that they are free at once from the hegemony of the despotic educational organization.