The Beet: Teachers Packin’ Heat

Photo by Daily Kos.

By Griffin Harris and Sam Wingfield

The debate over gun control in America has new energy. Many conservatives and gun rights advocates have proposed arming high school and middle school teachers so that they would be equipped to take down armed intruders. This, they say, would prevent another tragedy without restricting the rights of Americans to bear arms.

The Beet is afraid guns in schools may be our only logical option. As a public service, The Beet has compiled a list of T.C. Williams teachers who should be the first armed, and those who should remain unarmed.

Get in line, you need a weapon!

Lou Kokonis – Math – M-16 Assault Rifle

The only thing this stud does better than derive equations is pump lead with medium to low accuracy.

Matthew Zahn – English – The pen

The pen is mightier than the sword–or, in this case, the AK-47, Zahn says. His lethal weapon is a poem loaded with imagery, which he’ll use to woo any school shooter into disarmament with evocative lines and carefully structured stanzas.

Courtney Horwat – Social Studies – M1A1 Abrams Tank

Courtney Horwat will now teach her class perched in the hulking M1A1 Abrams Tank, ready to blow any poor armed sap into oblivion and beyond with double 25 millimeter cannons, 12.7 millimeter rounds, and anti-RPG armor. Unfortunately, students will have to strain to hear lectures presented from inside 62 metric tons of steel.

Steven Geter – Social Studies – A big ol’ smile

A disarming smile is all this history teacher needs to stop an intruder. Come on, who could resist that face?

Patrick Earle – Science – His homemade compost

This upbeat environmentalist should be able to hold any armed intruders at bay by hurling his own compost generated with the help of the Garden Club.

Justin Baker – Math – These two guns right here, baby!

This fitness enthusiast’s muscular arms, which a few poor Youth XL golf polos try to contain, will come to the rescue when an armed intruder enters the school. Provided, of course, that he’s not gulping down powdered protein by the metric ton.

Who should absolutely not be armed:

Martin Nickley -Math

Fearing that he would accidentally fire his weapon out of pure excitement during a calculus lecture, The Beet does not recommend arming Nickley.

Mark Eaton – English

It is almost inevitable that, if we were to arm Eaton, he would eventually fall asleep with the loaded weapon on his person, which could cause a dangerous accident. For this reason, The Beet strongly discourages arming Eaton.

Sarah Kiyak – English

We’d love to be the ones to arm this cheerful English teacher, but Kiyak, a gun-touting social conservative, already owns dozens of high-powered rifles and handguns, which, thanks to her concealed-carry permits, are often on her person. Bad hombres should watch out!